Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.