Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.