Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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The news in a nutshell.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Mistakes were made
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.