Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Room with a view.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus