Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom