Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
We found love in a hopeless place.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
When you’re Kinky but poor
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list