Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
titanic
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.