Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Möther may I have a snäck
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!