Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

this is uni

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”