Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Y’all ready for this
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
#Caturday
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.