Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mdob11

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@dudeimnormal

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

@KevinLSchwartz

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@cocainepoops

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

@English_Channel

when someone rings the doorbell

@Vice_Queen

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@choniepony

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.