ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.


The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.


Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”


girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while


“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.


To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.


Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…


Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.