ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You Might Also Like
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.