@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@KevinLSchwartz

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@RealDMK

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Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@cocainepoops

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@Vice_Queen

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@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@choniepony

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@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.