me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.