ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Uh oh…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.