Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
this article brought to you by lions
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”