Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
getting old is fun
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
WHY would you be happy about this?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!