ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Autocarrot sucks!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays