Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most