Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living