Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Why is this me 😫
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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