@Ygrene

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

You Might Also Like

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@justatornado

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@Scorpio1080

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

@ArfMeasures

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

@No_1BullshitGuy

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

@Lisabug74

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

@Smooheed

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open