@slyoung5 You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
@Ygrene Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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@slyoung5 
@justatornado For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
@Scorpio1080 The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
@ArfMeasures Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
@No_1BullshitGuy Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
@Lisabug74 *wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
@MarieColette If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
@muthr_goose My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
@Smooheed *walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
@liamoryan Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open