me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
When someone says you are so lazy
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About