me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.