Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You Might Also Like
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.