me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.