Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.