Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry