Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos