me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
horse: I have a boyfriend
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.