me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
You Might Also Like
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.