Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no