me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
You Might Also Like
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
#oldknees
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what