me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.