ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating