@PhilJamesson

me: i just killed two birds with one stone ๐Ÿ™‚

noah: you did WHAT

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@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@heyjulesfern

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

@PeteBlackburn

Biden: I wonder if Iโ€™ll still get free ice cream when Iโ€™m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

@MumInBits

At 11am my neighbour told me sheโ€™d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again Iโ€™d have to call the police

@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.