me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing