Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.