Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
damn he’s good
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
termite twitter scares me
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.