Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.