Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is