Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
You Might Also Like
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.