Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
That’s enough internet for the day
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Happy thanksgiving
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches