Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..