Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Duolingo getting serious.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.