Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
this chia pet tastes awful
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.