Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO