Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“no gods no masters” = leo
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
🤣✨#caturday
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see