Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard