me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Beware of the “party goblin”…
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.