Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
This has made my week.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
why would tinder want me to say this
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk