Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
THE AUDACITY. 😤
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.