Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
We all have our pet causes.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.