Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
You Might Also Like
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.