me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god