me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
File under excellent bookstore names.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: